Thursday, October 10, 2013

What Exactly is Abuse? (formerly Aspects of Abuse Broken Down - Part 1)



If you read my previous post there may have been some facets of abuse that surprised you. Because of that possibility I want to start working through those aspects that many of us haven't realized can lead to occasions of abuse. Some of the categories may seem innocuous, even silly, to those without experience in the oppressiveness of being trapped in an abusive relationship. Yet when you add all the little things in with what most people consider abuse to be you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. Here are some of the areas of control that a lot of us take for granted:

1 - Aspect of Male Privilege - When the abuser makes all the decisions it means the victim doesn't really have a voice. She is his servant that must carry out his demands, obey his rules and suffer consequences when she has failed to met his expectations. She begins to she deserves this treatment and loses her identity.

In a healthy marriage it is ok to disagree. Sure we all are tempted to act in ways to influence our preferences when disagreements persist. I've not been in relationships where there disagreements are handled peacefully, so I'm not sure I understand yet the best ways to handle these tricky situations. I can say I think one key is that the person who makes the decision should still show respect to the other party. Attacking a problem as a team means that when one person makes the decision it isn't threatening to the other person's value in the relationship. Abuse undermines the value of the one who is viewed as inferior. Relationships are meant to be mutual - with give and take of both parties. Sometimes one party will give more then the other for a set time. Treating a person like a servant keeps a power differential that destroys the unity in the relationship. Abusive people need to realize their grasping for power and control, which they think will bring them happiness, will actually result in unhappiness!

2 - Aspect of Knowledge Abuse - This is a common tactic used to control the victim so she doesn't seek freedom from the abuse. It often intensifies once she's started trying to gain back a part of her life. The abuser is threatened by the possibility he may lose control of her. Several of the things he may try are reading self-help books to gain information he can use against during their difficulties. This aspect often pops up in counseling, when the abuser often is able to twist things around to act like he's a victim and she's the perpetrator. Counseling itself, both individual and group counseling, can increases the chances of this aspect of abuse. 

If he convinces her, counselors, friends, church leaders of this fact then he's able to keep his victim in that inferior position. She will feel the problem lies with her and she must fix herself for things to get better. This absolves the abuser of responsibility and enables him to continue unchanged in the way he treats her. Researching medical conditions, reading self-help literature can be helpful in understanding the other person in your relationship. Yet a healthy relationship will use this knowledge to respond compassionately to their struggle, encourage them to find new skills to overcome them and support the changes they want to make. This demonstrates an awareness that if you have a problem, to best support you I may need to change the way I relate with you!

3 - Aspect of Responsibility Abuse - This is a different side of male privilege. There he is making you do all the work because he feels your job is to serve him. In therapy we view this one as the abuser setting her up to fail. An abuser feels they are stronger or better (smarter) then the victim, yet they give them the responsibility of paying bills, cooking, parenting…and then when you don't live up to their expect ions you are wrong, stupid and deserving of abuse. Some of the ladies I met actually had their abuser tell them if they ever left him he would kill himself. So he was trying to ensure that she would never leave him, by making her responsible for his future.

This differs from healthy relationships, where each person makes their own decisions based on the criteria that are important to them. They don't make someone else the scapegoat for their actions but take responsibility for what they've done and accept the consequences. Abusers always try to push the consequences off onto anyone but themselves - unless it can be used against the other person. This ties in to the knowledge abuse - when it feels advantageous the abuser can admit to a fault and then points out the victim isn't sharing her faults so she clearly must have something to hide and is more at fault then he is….

4 - Aspect of Medical Abuse - This is common in situations of child abuse and domestic violence. When the abuser causes an injury he will often prevent the victim from getting medical treatment. He knows there is a chance that doctors and other medical professionals would see through the stories invented to cover up the abuse. He doesn't want to take the risk that reports could be made, so he prevents her from the help she needs to heal physically. Even when suffering from a normal medical condition some abusers will keep her from getting help, instead berating her for the factors surrounding the injury. These actions don't just prevent or prolong physical healing. This aspect adds extra trauma to an already overwhelmed victim.  It feels like a death sentence to the abused woman. She feels powerless to protect herself from abuse and she feels incapable of healing from the wounds. This extends to a hopelessness regarding her ability to heal from her internal wounds, the deep emotional scars from being abused.

In a healthy relationship a person should be grieved to see the one they love hurting and needing medical treatment. They should show compassion and concern for their safety and well-being. They shouldn't discourage the loved one from getting the tests and treatment they need to get better!

5 - Aspect of Economic Abuse - This can happen in any relationship that has the imbalance of power, but from my time in group therapy I've seen it's more common in conservative Christian circles, where it's common for men to believe it's the woman's job to stay home with the kids, regardless of job opportunities that are suited to her knowledge and skills. This makes her dependent on him. He views himself as her savior and her as the needy, weak, and incompetent one. Some men even seek to control the victim who already has a job in this way. He will make her give him all the money. He will do what he wants with it and makes her ask to be able to spend any of their money, including what she has earned. This sends many messages to her: that she's inferior and must rely on him for everything she needs.

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship each person gives input on economic situations and tries to work together for a solution. If an agreement isn't reached the couple will not try to manipulate the other one into going with their option. No matter what decisions are made they will treat each other with respect. This is working together as a team. 

6 - Aspect of Financial Abuse - This makes her dependent on him as well. One woman I met in therapy didn't know her husband had taken out everything in her name. She discovered this after he had left her and collections notices started showing up in the mail. Typically, the abuser lets his victim know about the debt piling up in her name to keep her dependent on him. If she doesn't have a job, she will be hesitant to leave, knowing her credit is ruined and collections agencies will come after her and not him. 

You may start to realize these pieces fit together in a tangled web. Trying to get one area free often leads to a tightening of another section. The road to healing from abuse is very long and filled with confusion, loneliness and fear. You may start wondering why with all these aspects added on to the big ones of physical abuse and threats that a woman would stay. I will discuss this in detail later, but here is one factor that complicates things. While some of these facets are consistent in their level of control, often the abuser sends mixed messages. Some days he may surprise her with letting her have more money then usual to spend. In a life dominated by abuse, this small act feels like a neon sign pointing her to a new hope - a possibility that he may have recognized his unfair treatment of her and is willing to change.  Sometimes things will stay good for a time. Or it may be short lived. She may return home with some new clothes, books, music (or have gone out to eat with girlfriends) only to be belittled for her unwise choice. But things are continue this up and down cycle until something makes the move to break it.

In my next post I will break down a few more aspects of abusive relationships.

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