This post is a continuation of the previous post, which you can find by clicking here. Again, I reiterate that when you add all the little things in with what most people label abuse you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day.
1 - Aspect of Threats - This is another aspect that leads to intimidation and fear. Remember the previous examples of threats listed were to end the relationship, to hurt her or the children, to hurt pets or property, to report her for something. While it may only take the threat to keep a woman in life, usually this threats are more likely to work if previous threats have been carried out or physical violence has already happened. If a woman has been stripped of all her freedoms and feeling of value the threat of him walking out on her will make her want to stay and be the good little wife that he wants her to be. She knows that it will be difficult to make it on her own. Threatening to hurt the children is a powerful tool that can convince the woman to do almost anything to keep her kids from getting hurt. He will threaten to report her for things he has forced her to do (I'm thinking of men who have convinced their wives to do drugs with them or sleep with other people and so on.) These women don't want to do these things, but they don't want to be hurt. If they give in then the man has ammunition to use against them in court. Women don't really want to be hurt, yet they know that it will happen at some point. This tension is hard to stomach and the threats increase the tension and fear.
In a healthy marriage partners do not threaten to hurt the other spouse or things that are important to them. Threatening if you don't get your way is childish behavior that demonstrates a lack of maturity and compassion for others. I already mentioned the man is called to nurture and protect his wife. Intentionally causing fear in a woman to try and get your own way goes against what God has designed our relationships for.
2 - Aspect of Property Violence - Here when the man is angry at her he will break things like doors, punch walls, abuse pets, break souvenirs and other important mementos. This facet shows the woman that nothing around him is safe. It will increase her fears that if she's not careful she will be next. Sometimes this aspect continues after separation. He may destroy belongings she left behind or sell them. He may go over to her new residence and leave things for her or damage her property to send her a message that she's not safe at her new place either.
In a healthy marriage, a spouse wouldn't think of destroying property or special items belonging to the other person to get their way. While objects are not more important then people, they still serve many purposes, some sentimental. A caring spouse will want to carefully take care of the belongings of the other spouse to show that what is important for her is important to him as well.
3 - Aspect of Stalking - I previously mentioned using this aspect of spying on her, following her around, leaving gifts or tokens behind making it clear he doesn't trust her and feels she shouldn't have any freedom. This aspect is terrifying for the victim. Looking over your shoulder constantly leads to the fear that you can never be safe. Stalking often crosses over into physical violence, but not always. Some specific examples of this are staking out her work or home and following her when she leaves, bugging her phones, putting tracking devices on her car and putting spy software on the computer. These things often happen during separation. It's a good idea to check your phones, cars and computers to make sure that you aren't being watched all the time.
In a healthy relationship there is a degree of trust that values both partners separate identities. A stalker can't bear the thought of being apart or the other party having freedom from them. They want control at all times. Good relationships can thrive by having separate interests, time apart and opportunity to be involved in another community of friends.
4 - Aspect of Emotional Abuse / Verbal Abuse- They are similar but not exactly interchangeable. Verbal abuse uses words to attack the woman, demeaning her, strip away her positive view of herself. The tactics are cursing, name-calling, accusing her and using past issues to hurt her and thereby control and manipulate her. We all want to be cared for by others. We want to be appreciated and liked. Verbal abuse tears down the victim and takes away respect due to the other person. The words continue ringing in the persons ears long after the sound has finished. The wounds linger in the mind and wear down the person's ability to see and accept the good parts of themselves.
Emotional abuse is a little bit different. It isn't enough to use words to control her. He will use words to control her emotions as well. It includes putting her down and name-calling but also includes playing mind games and withholding affection from her. I had a friend who would spend forever looking for her missing pair of car keys. He would laugh at her, call her stupid and tell her she didn't deserve to be in charge of anything - all the while knowing that he had actually taken her keys and hidden them. Then after she had looked long enough to his satisfaction he put them back in plain sight and make her question whether she was losing her mind. It is sad to
This is counter to a healthy relationship where each person wants to build up the other person and honor their strengths. In a healthy relationship you won't be attacked for your weaknesses. A partner may lovingly try to help you gain some tools to help address the weakness, but he won't bully you into changing or belittling you for your struggle. A healthy person wants to encourage their partner, knowing that the way to growth is often through positive words that empower the person to overcome fears and struggles! The person who tears down another person is trying to elevate their importance by judging the other person as inferior to them. Many people have said, and I agree, that the verbal abuse is often more damaging then physical abuse. It degrades a persons worth, identity and purpose and is clearly opposite of the way God calls us to treat each other.
5 - Aspect of Religious Abuse - Here a man tries to maintain control and get what he wants by using scripture and other Christian language or doctrine. He will point out the passages on submission and use words like obey. He will tell her she always must give him sex when he wants it because her body is his. He mentions the Bible states men are the head of the household and use it for ungodly purposes. This aspect is extremely damaging to the women's personality and also her beliefs. It is hard to believe God truly cares about your pain when your spouse is using the Bible to justify abuse. Most abused women who are Christians have a severe crisis of faith.
In a loving and mutually supportive relationship each spouse will actually have times of submitting to the other. Healthy marriages have a team attitude and sometimes it is better when the man defers and sometime the best choice is for the woman to defer in an area. We must help women realize that the Bible is compassionate in it's commands. It doesn't give a man permission to belittle his wife if he isn't happy with her. Scripture is used to help guide us to live lives that honor God. A man who uses scripture for his selfish gains is bringing dishonor to God, himself and his family. Each spouse must put aside their desires and seek God's purpose in their lives and marriage.
6 - Aspect of Physical Abuse - This aspect has the most variance of activities, some which you might not even consider as abuse at first glance. Again, the list from Paul Hegstrom is: beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, scratching, restraining, shaking, shoving, twisting arms, slapping, excessive tickling, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping. Important things to realize here is that everyone has their own idea of what is and isn't abusive. Many abusers will rationalize certain behaviors as non-abusive. They may come up with a reason she deserved it or say, grabbing a woman isn't abusive. From this list you may be thinking the same thing of certain activities listed. A common one is restraining a person. "What's the harm in not letting someone go until I want to?" W hen you think about it from the aspect of controlling another person you can see that it's not good to prevent someone from leaving an area or situation because you don't want them too. Excessive tickling is one that may seem silly. After all, a lot of us think it's fun to tickle other people because they laugh and it seems fun. But when a person's tolerance has run out and they want to stop being tickled and you refuse…then you are going against their wishes. All these actions are damaging to the victims safety and demonstrate a lack of concern and respect for their well-being.
In a healthy marriage stop means stop! The partners want to build each other up, NOT get their way. Many men will excuse their behavior by saying it was an accident they hurt their wife. Yet the women and children can see a man go from destructive and rage-filled to calm and smiling if the doorbell or phone rings. It is not ok to hurt another person. Men are called to protect and cherish their wife. It is THEIR responsibility to present their wife blameless to God as a result of their care and affection for her. Abuse is counter to that and destroys lives. Healthy men are able to put their hurts and disappointments aside for the greater good for the relationship.
7 - Aspect of Sexual Abuse - He attacks her in sexual ways, demands unwanted acts, interrupts sleep for sex, forces sex on her, treats her a sex object, extreme jealousy. Often after an argument he wants to have sex with her. After the woman has been knocked down and beaten verbally or physically it is no wonder she won't want to be intimate. Yet he must maintain his control and if she refuses he feels justified in forcing himself on her. Other aspects fall into play here. He may bring scripture in about her not denying his need for sex. They may argue late into the night and yet he will keep her awake for sex or wake her up to have sex. His actions show that his needs and wants drive his behavior despite the harm it is doing to his wife. This is the ultimate degrading of the wife's identity. She believes marriage is designed to be a partnership where both spouses honor God and learn how (and when) to sacrifice their desires for the good of the relationship. His actions strip away this partnership. She realizes he sees her as property…as an object to bring his fulfillment and nothing more. This can lead her to doubt everything, including God.
This is clearly counter to a healthy relationship. There are times that both spouses must accept their present need for sex isn't what is best for the relationships at that time. A partner should never coerce or force a person for sex. Healthy relationships won't be jealous of good friendships between members of the opposite sex. It is very damaging to a person's value and identity to be raped. This aspect of abuse within a marriage is even more damaging to the person being taken advantage of.
When you put all these things together, it's no wonder that abused women often don't make rational choices and suffer a lot of negative effects from their mistreatment. We must learn how to recognize abuse, how to protect ourselves and others from it and we must do what we can to change the communities around us to be more helpful! In my next post I will begin to explain other aspects like why she doesn't leave, the red flags that can alert you to the possibility a man is abusive.
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