I'm still working on some posts regarding abuse, but other topics keep pulling at me too. I will alternate going back and forth I guess. Today, I want to take some time to acknowledge my favorite holiday!
Many people who know this might be surprised at this. I have developed into a pessimistic person over the years. Yet I've learned that doesn't exclude the ability to find peace or joy in little things from time to time. I am one of many people who have suffered several prolonged difficulties that wear away my strength, challenge my beliefs and leave me crying in a puddle on the floor at times. Yet part of how I make it from day to day is in little blessings. I am able to smile when I see gorgeous sunsets, have time to relax in my first home, read books, work on hobbies, help someone through a difficult time. I have brief moments of feeling blessed. The moments slip away and the struggles and pain returns. I have at times felt my emotions were a curse that I needed to change. I no longer believe I need to hide my emotions or try to change them. I am instead seeking to acknowledge them and process them better.
Earlier this year I started a 5 year gratitude journal. I bought one for my daughter as well, as she is hitting that hormonal stage, resulting in emotional outbursts and complaining a lot! Some days it is challenging to find something that I feel is a blessing, but if I keep thinking I eventually find something good. The reality is that I'm always worn out from raising kids alone and working hard while barely being able to pay my bills. So most days the pain and exhaustion I feel is a barrier to seeing good things.
That's part of why Thanksgiving is important to me. I love everything about Thanksgiving. I love the food associated with the holiday. My southern roots mean homemade macaroni and cheese, pecan pie and candied sweet potatoes. I always loved this time of year when the trees change beautiful colors. The rainbow of colors remind me that while we are are different we make something beautiful when we work together. The oranges, reds, browns and yellows of fall decor always make me feel warm in a cold and cruel world. I have a cute collection of scarecrows, wreaths and pumpkin theme dishes that make me smile when I walk by. I love the story of the pilgrims perseverance. They came to America to escape persecution and struggled through harsh conditions where many of them died. Yet after the harvest they stopped to celebrate what they had...and they shared it with others.
I am especially blessed this Thanksgiving. I am able to celebrate this holiday with my children. Because the previous two years I couldn't afford food and needed to work as much as possible I wasn't able to spend it with them. Last year I sat in my apartment and ate a frozen dinner and watched TV alone. Now, I have a new home that truly feels like a safe place! If I'd thought in advance I would have invited someone over to share it with us this year. I'll have to plan better next time! Since I won my case for food stamps we will have a great feast this year of all the dishes my children have requested. We will cook together, play games, read books and decorate for Christmas. My struggles will continue and I will have days when I struggle to think of blessings to write in my journal, but Thursday will not be one of them and I'm thankful to have a worry free day with my children!
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