I started writing this post 2 weeks ago and haven't had much time to finish it! So I decided to quickly edit and post it tonight! Please respond with your thoughts! I know we can learn a lot from each other and I don't want my blog to be monologue but an entry point into discussions with others. THANKS!
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There are many thoughts swirling around in my head about things I'd previously believed and whether or not they were true or I was deceived. Stick with me as I seek to work through some of them here. These thoughts are stemming from my current counseling class and the fact that I'm doing well in the class and my mind is boggled by this. To explain this, I have to backtrack...
This is the third class I've taken. The first one was an introduction to counseling, ministry and contemplating what Biblical change is. I liked the material and felt I had a good grasp on assignments. I was pleased that in my first course after many years of being out of school that I did good. Due to financial issues I didn't take another class for a year. Last fall I took my second class. The title was Helping Relationships and I felt that it was going to be very hard for me. I've been put down by friends, family and church members, and even some church leaders in the past. So I have felt like I was a perfect example of a screw-up, someone who had NO idea of how relationships should go. On my first assignment I got an A. I thought it was a fluke. Yet I kept doing well on assignments, and getting feedback on my involvement in community group that surprised me. People VALUED my input, saying I showed compassion and wisdom that they envied me for. I was astounded.
Me? There might actually be things I'm good at? There could be things that others could learn from me? I'd hoped many times that it would be the case. That sufferings I've gone through could be used in some way...Yet I often felt that I was beyond redemption on earth. Sure, I believe God loved me and called me to be His. I felt I belonged to Him, but I also felt that there would not be any redemption for me in this life. I felt I was too far gone. It was becoming clear to me in that class that I had believed things others had told me that weren't true. Why was that the case? I can't say for sure, but I can speculate that it was to continue keeping me trapped in a helpless state so I could continue being abused. Or to keep me as an inferior so the other person could puff themself up. My counselor had told me several times (and more since) that he wasn't surprised. He said/says that he sees an intuitive sensitivity in the way I view people that most people take a long time to develop. He said I pick up on things others miss and am a natural "temperature taker" of relationships. It took many times of him saying this before I could begin to believe it. The sad thing is, I still bump into people who look down on me or judge me. I've recently had a heartbreaking interchange with a lady who is in ministry and studying to be a counselor. Sadly, what I felt from her was superiority and a lack of understanding instead of compassion. When these things happen it increases my frustration that so many people don't understand HOW deeply their actions affect others. I know it grieves God when people see a victim as unable to contribute value or meaning to the conversation. It grieves God when a leader doesn't humbly admit there are times they could have made better decisions or might need to work to change something. I ended that class with an A. I was proud of my work, yet still shocked that I actually do understand how to relate to some people. So I guess I need to rethink all those times when people told me all the problems in the relationship was my fault and there wasn't anything they were doing wrong...
I had a few weeks off and started on the next class....Biblical Interpretation. I was very nervous about this one. I had been told by other men and church leaders that I don't know how to interpret the Bible. I've been told I was a weak woman and misread what I wanted to see in the scripture about how I should be treated by others. I was told by a pastor that my faith was too weak and I needed to pray for God to give me what I was missing or my relationships would never get better! I believed all these people (because I did think all the fault was mine in every relationship and the way to get better was to try and study and figure out what I needed to change.) So the class started and I as overwhelmed, the reading was confusing, the assignments were hard and I almost quit. I worked on the course about 30 or more hours a week because if I do decide to do ministry I want to be the best equipped I can be and if I'm confused that means I need to push through until I'm not confused. And here I am again on the night before my final in the class - on the borderline between an A and a B! Is this God's way of giving me his blessing to pursue ministry? It is shocking to me to be doing well at work, and in school while being a single parent...AND for the last 40 days preparing to move into a new home. As I've studied and submitted my papers and received my grades I've had to rethink again. Either I've known biblical truth for a long time and was convinced I didn't by others, or through these classes I've grown a lot and changed.
I can say, that through these classes I'm re-evaluating more closely what people say to me. What I'm working on, is trying to make sure when people tell me something - that I can see whether or not it's what God thinks about me. I won't blindly accept criticism or quickly dismiss praise like I used to. I'm working on trying to figure out how I can encourage others who struggle...and encourage those who teach and minister how they can relate better to others. I don't want to act superior to them, but I lovingly want to share how I've felt, and what I've learned in my interactions with people in hopes that my words may help make their ministry better!
And then, if I do get into ministry someday, may I never forget that people go into ministry to help and serve others. To do this you MUST seek to listen and understand who they are, respond with compassion and not act like you're better then the one who needs your help. An arrogant leader who feels they make great decisions and doen't need to change is not a leader I want to be...and certainly not one I want to follow.
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ps to Tami, I responded to your comment and hope you've seen it. :)
