Reflections on Life's Lessons and Future Possibilities

My only son turns 10 today. It's a big deal to graduate to double digits! It doesn't seem like that much time has gone by. Many things have happened in that time frame some of which are moving from one continent to another, received home health care, lived in a shelter, been homeless, become a single parent, stopped homeschooling to go back in the work force, started taking online classes, sought ways to help others, changed churches, bought my first house and am learning how to survive on less then I made as a new college graduate. My days are constantly challenging and exhausting. 

My children are a bright spot in my life. Yet sadly sometimes that bright spot doesn't shine enough to lessen the darkness of events that occur. Today I felt prompted to go back to a location that pulls at me in dark times. A little less then 3 years ago I hiked up the mountain and almost didn't make it home. In 2003 there had been a terrible fire on the mountain top that burned down the homes, businesses and much of the forest. Sitting on the edge of a cliff I saw death everywhere. Charred trees still standing and some toppled despite strong trunks and roots. Brown grass and rock hard soil surrounded me. There were no signs of life. I could look across the chasm and see the trees unscathed on the other side. The distance between the lively forest and the dead forest mirrored the chasm between life and death, safety and terror, happiness and pain in my own life. I felt at home there, because I felt dead inside. There seemed no way that God could possibly revive me. There on the mountain I called a person I trusted and they talked me through the emotions, fears and doubts pulling at me until I felt ready to face life and the suffering that waited at the bottom of the mountain.

I have gone through so much in the past 3 years. Many of it has been one traumatic event after another. Most of it I've faced alone, despite reaching out and asking for help from individuals and communities. The pain of asking for help and being turned away compounds the struggles a person is in. When I'm confident that God is present and cares about my suffering, I know he's grieved at those people who have let me down in my greatest time of need. When I think of how the injustices I've suffered impact my children I feel discouraged and sometimes angry. Sometimes I think God is angry too and that he will fight for me. Sometimes the darkness pulls me away from God and I doubt his love and care. After all, how can he care about me when he allows others to fail me time and again?

I always have this hope that God will see I've suffered enough and give me a break. It would be great to have a timespan where I don't struggle so much and can spend my energy helping others instead of fighting against injustice every day. One time I'd love to find someone to share my life with who will build me up and not tear me down. I don't know if this will happen. When I'm feeling lost and sad being in high places make me feel closer to God. I think it's because I feel so small and insignificant that I worry he can't see me down here. So I climb to high places where I feel more exposed and hope he can't help but notice me and come near. The desert can be beautiful despite the heat and loneliness it reminds me off. After being hurt recently by a trusted confidant I felt an urge to go back to the mountain. (Probably not the best thing to do since I'd had an anaphylactic allergic response the Saturday before to some food I ate!) Still, I was drawn there irresistibly. Today was pleasant in the city and I knew the cool mountain air would give me a reprieve from the heat I feel wears me down at times. While I drove I couldn't help reflecting on the many times I'd driven the route and the past suffering I've faced. I've considered the future I want and wondered at the possibility of it ever happening. 

As soon as I stepped on the trail the surroundings began to invigorate me. The sunny day, the blue sky, the sounds of wildlife, the cool breeze. I enjoyed the trail and stopped to take pictures of scenery - the sunlight filtering through the trees, moss growing in downed trees, tiny flowers poking up from the ground. This part of the trail wasn't touched by the fire. I reached the top of the hike and walked along the service road, noticing the charred trees lined up against the ridge as I approached my special thinking spot. When I left the road and climbed over the boulders hiding it from sight there was an unexpected sight awaiting me. I had been back to the site a few times in the past three years. Always when there were things I needed to reflect on and process. Each time it was dreary and dead. Today there was life everywhere. The ground was covered with green grass. Moss grew on the boulders. Patches of flowers in varying colors were so abundant I was afraid to walk for fear I might trample them! A new tree was growing, already at about 2 feet tall. I sat on the boulder and took in the beauty that was there. I heard the chirping bird that sounded right next to me, because it actually was. For a few minutes the bird sat next to me on the boulder, almost as if say God had sent it to tell me that I'm not alone. Butterflies flitted around me and rested on the flowers. The breeze seemed to whisper to me a lesson I don't often feel…It sang of a possibility that I don't dare to voice for myself.

My most frequent life lessons have been that I can't trust people, things won't turn out the way I dream and attempts to better my life will backfire and end in pain…But sometimes I have rare occasions where something good does happen - like our new house that seems perfectly suited to us. I don't know how long it will be before another one of those events will occur. It's hard to wait for it when each day is so challenging, but this day I felt God was giving me a message. The forest that had been destroyed has come back to life. It will never be exactly the same as it was before the fire. But it is growing. It can still be beautiful. It can be strong again. Is that possible for me? As the breeze surrounded me it reminded me the bond I have with that place. Hidden off the path is this place special place to me because I have identified with it's struggle with darkness and fire. I have felt burnt and trapped in places where death seemed imminent and there was no hope of survival. Yet somewhere along the way the grass poked through and flowers have bloomed. Can I grow too? Can I become strong and even be beautiful one day? I returned home a few hours later to celebrate my son's birthday. My life certainly hasn't turned out the way I'd hoped. My children have to struggle with injustice along with me. My momma heart doesn't want my kids to suffer. Yet maybe their suffering can produce something beautiful and lively in them as well….

My heart is still heavy. I still want to close myself off and protect myself from being hurt by others. Yet the mountain whispers to me that I should keep my eyes open to a future that may be brighter then what I feel. I am still sad. I am still lonely and tired and afraid. I still doubt that I will come to a point where life will be easier, more rewarding and happy. Yet my heart is telling me to not discount the possibility that I can live a full life. My desire has been to help others. I often feel that my struggles prevent me from helping others because I'm so busy doing damage control in the daily battles that continue long past what I have felt is necessary. Sometimes I barely can recognize any semblance of faith remaining. While I don't enjoy the pain from the traumas I've experienced and the hurts trusted people have caused me, I hope I never forget what the journey has been like. I may one day be able to help others. Knowing what it is like to be mistreated, abused, misunderstood and neglected is something that Jesus knows even more so then me. I seem to be in good company. I hope I can continue going through these difficulties in a way that doesn't dishonor him and at some point be able to help others along the journey as well. 

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update - 8-28 - I do cherish my day on the mountain and the seed I have that change and growth can happen no matter how much time goes by. Yet an encouraging experience doesn't solve or end pain from suffering. I wanted to make that clear. I am still sad over events that have happened in the past week. It will take a long time before I'm not sad…So I don't want to give the impression that an event can or should solve all problems and pain. My deepest hurts have come out of relationships, especially those with trust at the core. These hurts are not easily fixed or brushed aside. Maybe my deepest joys will also come out of future relationships. If I was writer and director of my life I would not have chosen to experience all the trauma I've endured. I don't understand why I must go through so much to arrive at the end result that he desires for me. Sometimes I'm not even convinced that he's a good and loving God. What I now possess from my trip up the mountain is a tension between feeling God has given me a promise that one day things will be better and yet knowing I have to wait a while to get there, which means going through the pain and sadness between now and then!

Humility - An Essential Quality for Ministry

As I've thought back over some hurtful experiences, I've been thinking lately about important qualities that make ministry more successful. One of those I think it central to a fruitful and edifying ministry is genuine humility.

I suspect most people go into forms of ministry to help people. They believe they have something to offer others and want to give back to people. Yet I think along the way these same people become so confident in their training or experiences that they lose sight of a couple important facts.

1- There is a need to balance truth and grace. A person may need to hear a very hard truth. It doesn't mean you need to speak harshly to get it across. In fact, speaking harshly will often alienate the person so that they don't hear what comes next. The counselors, pastors or other church leaders, sunday school teachers and so on need to be trained in firm but gracious delivery when they are trying to help someone flee from temptation or face difficult circumstances.

2 - Think from the standpoint of a person struggling with a circumstance who is in front of a ministry person....They will automatically have a sense of being inferior to the ministry person. Do they need you to come alongside and tell them how confident you are in all of your actions concerning them? Maybe what they need is the sympathy that either you understand because you've been there or that you can't fathom going through the painful circumstance that they are now or did face in the past.

(I'm trying to speak for a respect of the intensity of the situation and the depth of pain the person is facing.) I've seen two things here that can BOTH end in a lack of humility.

1 - You have faced something similar. This can be a good thing when viewed with humility and a biblical understanding that God often brings a person who's come through a trial to help someone else. However you must be careful in this situation...Please don't assume this person is exactly like you. This is where a ministry person can lose humility. (Thinking - I've been there...I've got this person figured out....) There may have been similar events, similar consequences, similar reactions, similar pains, similar sins / responses to all those things....YET everyone's journey is different. They don't necessarily need the exact same practical help or exhortations and encouragements that you needed. You MUST carefully ask them questions to understand THEM. Making assumptions based on your experiences likely won't help you understand the best ways to help them. It can be encouraging to have a group of people who have gone through the same thing gather together and share. Yet the result and the path of each one will not be exactly the same because there are many facets to a problem that may or may not be in play in a given person's life.

If you are in this situation and have tried to help someone but things have gone south in the relationship I would encourage you to think back over assumptions you may have made out of your past and not from things they shared. I would encourage you to understand that though you may have come through a rough experience that there are still lingering scars. Being aware of those can help keep you from reacting too strongly when a wounded person has messed up yet again. A humble person knows that while God has delivered them from a situation that they are still working out the effects of the situation. They will acknowledge their pain and scars. They will admit they still have struggles and will not look down on the person in a manner of "I USED to be where you are, BUT I'm better now and it's MY job to make you better so you can be like ME." This betrays an attitude of superiority and it knocks the wounded person down in shock that someone who should compassionately understand their pain has judged them to be damaged and unworthy unless they change into a better person. A biblical attitude reflects Jesus, who approaches the suffering person and says, "I've come not just to help you, but to suffer with you. I will never leave you, no matter what." That's the person I hope to be, who can hang out with people who've struggled like I have and not try to make them turn into another version of me who can go do good in the world.

2 - You haven't faced something similar. This can also be a good thing when you humbly recognize a person is trusting you with their painful experiences. God is giving you the opportunity to learn something from this other person. This is often where a ministry person loses humility. A ministry person has in the back of their mind the training they have received. What I have noticed is that often the person who feels inadequate to help in a given situation handles the person better and more carefully then the one who thinks he knows the answers! This person feels confident and ready to tackle any problem. And they often don't believe they've made any missteps along the way. If a hurting person tells them they felt dismissed or judged or unfairly responded too, this type of person will often not respond favorably. They will often bring up their training and how they've dealt with people like you before. You can be labeled oversensitive or non-compliant if you try to ask to be treated differently.  If you ask this ministry person if he or she thinks she's perfect they will often say no. Yet if you ask them about their counsel, help or behaviors in a certain situation often the ministry person has lost sight of their imperfection and will respond that they couldn't have done any better in this situation. Can you imagine how hurtful it is for a struggling person to be getting the message that they have nothing good to  offer the other person?! It keeps the struggling person down low while elevating the ministry person even higher, since they clearly have no need of anything from the sufferer. This is damaging to both people!

Could this by why there are so many people in churches (and who've stopped going to churches) who've been hurt by leaders? Some people would say that a leader or counselor or teacher who admits to being less then perfect will be viewed as weak. There may be some people who would think that. But to the struggling, depressed and weary people, a leader like this will be a light in the dark. Hope that getting through a difficult time is possible. Hope that God can still use the "weak" people and difficult circumstances in our lives. Many people worry that their past or current struggles could disqualify them from ministry. But what better ministers could there be then people who know the depth of their struggles - and that without God's graciousness they could slip back into it at any moment? Sure over time of turning to God certain struggles may lessen and not have as big a hold on us as they used to. Yet we will all still struggle until the end. So why do we feel the need to pretend we have arrived and have it all figured out?

Humility needs to be seen as an important trait to develop, but who really wants to do this? Jesus said the one who wants to be greater needs to strive to be lesser. A life of service doesn't mean we should advertise the wonderful things we do for others and look down on those who are struggling too much to be able to serve others. We should strive to minister to others while admitting we're not perfect and that each day we need God to grant us life!

Is there anything we can we do about leaders who seem to lack humility?

Many seminaries spend a lot of time dealing with teaching their students theology, management / leadership styles but neglect getting into the essential qualities ministry people need to learn to develop in their lives. I personally believe that every person who enrolls at a seminary needs at least one course focusing in developing traits of humility, forgiveness, patience, forbearance, and so on. I hope that one day that will happen.

The only thing I can say is that we can certainly thank leaders for being humble when we see it and we can try to demonstrate it in our own lives. We can tell our leaders this is what we want from them and hope and pray that they will listen when we have felt let down. We all need to be people of compassion who view others as precious people that God loves. We should treat people with dignity, strive to work through differences, admit our mistakes and seek to learn and grow from them. I think we are afraid to be humble people, but it is actually freeing to realize that you can only start moving past relationship struggles when you seek to develop and practice humility.

I, for one, hope that when I'm helping and counseling others that I will remain humble and compassionate with the people God puts in my path.