Pre- Thanksgiving Post - Dealing with Pain

I'm still working on some posts regarding abuse, but other topics keep pulling at me too. I will alternate going back and forth I guess. Today, I want to take some time to acknowledge my favorite holiday!

Many people who know this might be surprised at this. I have developed into a pessimistic person over the years. Yet I've learned that doesn't exclude the ability to find peace or joy in little things from time to time. I am one of many people who have suffered several prolonged difficulties that wear away my strength, challenge my beliefs and leave me crying in a puddle on the floor at times. Yet part of how I make it from day to day is in little blessings. I am able to smile when I see gorgeous sunsets, have time to relax in my first home, read books, work on hobbies, help someone through a difficult time. I have brief moments of feeling blessed. The moments slip away and the struggles and pain returns. I have at times felt my emotions were a curse that I needed to change. I no longer believe I need to hide my emotions or try to change them. I am instead seeking to acknowledge them and process them better.

Earlier this year I started a 5 year gratitude journal. I bought one for my daughter as well, as she is hitting that hormonal stage, resulting in emotional outbursts and complaining a lot! Some days it is challenging to find something that I feel is a blessing, but if I keep thinking I eventually find something good. The reality is that I'm always worn out from raising kids alone and working hard while barely being able to pay my bills. So most days the pain and exhaustion I feel is a barrier to seeing good things.

That's part of why Thanksgiving is important to me. I love everything about Thanksgiving. I love the food associated with the holiday. My southern roots mean homemade macaroni and cheese, pecan pie and candied sweet potatoes. I always loved this time of year when the trees change beautiful colors. The rainbow of colors remind me that while we are are different we make something beautiful when we work together. The oranges, reds, browns and yellows of fall decor always make me feel warm in a cold and cruel world. I have a cute collection of scarecrows, wreaths and pumpkin theme dishes that make me smile when I walk by. I love the story of the pilgrims perseverance. They came to America to escape persecution and struggled through harsh conditions where many of them died. Yet after the harvest they stopped to celebrate what they had...and they shared it with others.

I am especially blessed this Thanksgiving. I am able to celebrate this holiday with my children. Because the previous two years I couldn't afford food and needed to work as much as possible I wasn't able to spend it with them. Last year I sat in my apartment and ate a frozen dinner and watched TV alone. Now, I have a new home that truly feels like a safe place! If I'd thought in advance I would have invited someone over to share it with us this year. I'll have to plan better next time! Since I won my case for food stamps we will have a great feast this year of all the dishes my children have requested. We will cook together, play games, read books and decorate for Christmas. My struggles will continue and I will have days when I struggle to think of blessings to write in my journal, but Thursday will not be one of them and I'm thankful to have a worry free day with my children!

Memorable Quotes - On Gifts

"Every gift breaks the barrier between the sacred and the mundane and floods the mundane with the sacred." Miroslav Volf in Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace.

I love this quote so much I decided to hold off finishing current drafts of blog posts to write this one. It comes from the first Chapter, titled God the Giver. He calls to our attention to the truth that the real image of God is a giving God. He dispels the incorrect ideas we have about what it means for God to give us gifts and what our response to those gifts should be. Genesis 1: says we are created in HIS image. Despite our sinful tendencies we are called to reflect his image. Since his image is one of giving freely and abundantly to us, this means we must pass on the gifts we have received to others. On pg 50 he writes, "We are not simply the final destinations in the flow of God's gifts. Rather, we find ourselves midstream, so to speak. The gifts flow into us, and they flow on from us…they flow to those in need."

We may be imperfect people but we can reflect God when we set aside our selfish desires to help others through difficult times. Maybe it's a simple gesture of donating money to a organization that helps homeless people. Maybe it's visiting sick people in the hospital, serving meals in a soup kitchen or more time intensive actions of mentoring orphans or opening your home to struggling people. All of these examples reflect his image. Yet a godly reflection isn't limited to only these types of actions as the quote reflects. Any action, even those mundane ones like waking in the middle of the night to care for sick children or cleaning the grungiest bathrooms is a gift. When we have a proper understanding of our calling to live for God every selfless action is a gift. "When a gift is given, life becomes extraordinary because God's own gift giving flows through the giver."

Our Christian identity and purpose results in knowing the mundane and sacred blend together into a beautiful story where we are able to lay aside selfishness for the good of others resulting in glory and honor to God! When we go through times of being discouraged in the mundane and difficult seasons of life we must continue to remember the gifts he has given us and his plan for us to pass those gifts on to others. 

Another quote from the chapter gives a powerful picture of this truth, "If we don't turn from facing God, so to speak, to face our neighbors, the flow of God's gifts will be arrested with us...it is as we serve our neighbors - our family, friends, and acquaintances - that the dam holding the flow of gifts is lifted and the life of God continues its intended flow." What a thought to think that our actions can impede the flow of gifts to others. This is the height of selfishness, to keep God's gifts to ourselves and not share them with others! We needn't fear that the gifts of God are in limited supply. Volf's picture helps us here. When a dam breaks water can't be contained and rushes everywhere. God graciously and lovingly gives wonderful gifts. God longs to use us to spread gifts to others and there is an abundance of gifts to go around. With these truths in mind you can keep your eyes open for opportunities to spread his gifts to others. They might pop up when you least expect it and be carried out in ways you never could have imagined!

Please leave your thoughts or experiences in the comments.

All About Books....

I love to read. I always have. When I was a child I almost always had a book with me. There were times I was in my bedroom after school. Instead of doing my homework I was reading a book. I taught myself to read in Kindergarten and was at a 6th grade reading level by the end of first grade. Books were an escape for me when I was unhappy. Books were also a way to learn and I loved to be exposed to new things. My dream one day is to have a house with at least one room filled with books - I'm talking floor to ceiling bookshelves along all four walls! I probably should have been a librarian! Or a book store owner! I have ebooks books on my iPad and laptop, but there is nothing like holding a real book! Especially a new one!!! :)

This past month I read 10 books.

• Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
• Lundy Bancroft - When Dad Hurts Mom
• Paul Hegstrom - Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them
• Patricia Evans - The Verbally Abusive Relationship
• Barbara Roberts - Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce For Abuse, Adultery and Desertion
• Dan McCartney - Why Does it Have to Hurt?
• Paul Tripp - A Shelter in the Time of the Storm
• Nancy Leigh DeMoss - Choosing Forgiveness
• Leslie Vernick - The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
• Brian Crosby - Giving Up Gimmicks: Reclaiming Youth Ministry From An Entertainment Culture

The first 5 books are ones dealing with abuse (one of the later ones is at well). I'd read all of them before - but wanted to re-read them to be able to accurately quote from them in some of the previous posts and hope to quote more in future posts. If you keep up with literature on abuse there is a lot of common knowledge up to a certain point. There isn't as much literature on abuse when it comes to spiritual matters, though recently there has been more attention brought to how abuse devastates a person's faith. I'm confident there will be more resources and help available in the future.

The next 2 are on suffering. I marked many pages that bring up things I want to blog about. It's going to be hard to figure out what post to write on next! 

The next 2 books are about relationships, the first centering on forgiving those who've hurt us and the next another book talking about destructive patterns in relationships (some of which are abusive). Very many good things in these books as well.

The last book is on ministry, specifically around ministry to youth. It has some great thoughts on the current culture of youth groups and how it's lacking in fulfilling a biblical model of teaching children. I really liked this book! 

There were other books I started but didn't get finished before the month ends...so those will be added on to my list for next month. I may take a month off of reading in December to write my thoughts on these all these books!

Why Doesn't The Victim Leave?

I apologize for being unable to post for the past couple weeks. I've been going through some problems with my family and other transitions that have taken up a lot of time. I intend to continue blogging about abuse, but also write on other topics, since I had drafts on social issues I put on hold during October that I want to finish! I hope to get back into the habit and blog 2 or 3 times a week….

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Since I've given a good overview of different facets of abuse I will switch and discuss Frequently Asked Questions. If you have a question you want me to answer let me know in the comments and I'll work it into upcoming posts. 

One frequently asked question is "Why don't you / doesn't she just leave him?"

While each situation is unique, most abused partners fall within several categories here. To the person being abused, the abuse feels like many different things. If abuse if publicly witnessed it can bring embarrassment…but much deeper then that it will bring shame and guilt as the victim has been humiliated and feels they should have known it was coming to be able to avoid the public spectacle.

It can feel like a punishment for failing to do something or be someone. The abuser makes it clear the victim can't live up to expectations. These expectations are continually thrown in the victim's face, until they begin to feel normal (even when they aren't.) This is a big factor in why many abused women don't leave. They can't imagine a relationship where they could have freedom, much less it be ok! When your actions are heavily controlled, freedom is scary! Having to think for yourself is difficult…This is even more difficult when the other person has criticized you so much that you don't have confidence in yourself anymore. Abused women second guess every decision they make, because someone else is trying to define reality for them. When they are alone and need to make a decision they will find themselves wondering what the abuser would think….and their decisions are often based on what they think will make him the happiest. It is devastating when even after all the time spent considering an issue the abuser is upset over their decision. Over time she believes that she is the problem in the relationship and she just needs to try harder to make him happier. Once a person reaches this point, they will take responsibility for the abuser's actions. This makes it a lot harder to think about leaving, because it means she would have to admit that it isn't her fault and she can't make it better. Sadly, these issues are reinforced when church leaders tell the women who come to them for protection that they need to go home and try harder and pray harder. Telling them they need to learn to love their husband in the way he needs can cause them to be abused more, as some of the abusive mans "needs" are destructive and unbiblical. 

Eventually some women come back to the point of knowing they should leave….that they need to leave if they want to be safe. Some never do. These reasons may all be a part of it. Children are also a big factor in whether to stay or not. Finances are a huge reason, as most abused women are at a vast economic disadvantage. Some women have become convinced they don't deserve safety or love. Abuse doesn't just affect the emotions and cause physical pain, but it actually changes the beliefs and attitudes of the victim over time. In order to make the decision to leave, the woman must somehow realize and become convinced that she deserves something better. It is hard to get to this point if you've been isolated from others and are in a community that believes the abuser is a great guy. The hardest part of stepping out and telling others what you experience is having them not believe you or doubt that it's as bad as you say. 

The most important thing I can say to those going through abuse is that God didn't design this world for you to be treated like this. The most important thing I can say to those who hear of a friend going through abuse is to compassionately listen to them, believe the seriousness of the situation and help support them practically and emotionally. We need to be involved in other's lives and let their struggles affect us. Most of us would say that we don't know anyone being abused, but if you started asking people you know I'd be shocked if you didn't find someone admit to being a victim. I'm not necessarily suggesting you ask everyone you know if they're being abused. What I am saying is it's more widespread then you realize. If you do find yourself discovering situations of abuse, please do what you can to help. You can be a person who helps to bring healing, or if you turn away you can end up causing more wounds. 

I will continue blogging intermittently about abuse. As always, please comment with thoughts or questions. Thanks!