The Problem With Change

I don't like change. I'm confident I'm not alone in saying such a thing. It disrupts something that is often precious, though sometimes change threatens something we don't want but we have been accustomed to. Change is scary because it calls a person to something new and different. There is no guarantee that the change is better. That is one reason why abused women hesitate to leave their spouses. It is why people would rather not seek treatment for serious medical issues then deal with a nagging cough, or persistent pain. Yet when we say we don't like change we often mean there are things we don't want to change and aren't happy if they do change. However, give us a situation we don't like and we'll be wracking our brains trying to figure out how to create change! 

So we end up with 2 sides of a coin, both leading to discouragement. In one situation we don't want anything to change and it does. In the other we have a situation where we do want something to change and it remains the same. It is no secret to my friends that discouragement haunts me. I'm an extrovert that has changed into a introvert due to pressures and pain of life. Good things turn sour and I find it harder to open up and trust. I long for release from the stress and discouragement that plagues me and it rarely comes. I have brief moments when the sun shines in the dark and all seems right with the world. Yet it quickly fades and I find myself hiding so that more bad things don't happen to me. 

I have often thought there is something wrong with me…that I am disappointing God by not handling the trials in my life with a more positive outlook and stronger faith. I would like to trust and believe he truly loves me and knows what is best, but I often struggle due to not understanding why pain and hardship have to remain as close as my shadow! I do eventually come to places when I'm able to look back and see the good things that have resulted from difficulty. Occasionally it helps in a dark place. Sometimes it doesn't. I have come to a place where I can find some comfort that a weak faith is still faith. And sometimes I think that it is more precious to God. In my times of doubt when I run to him and even question him - instead of forgetting him, instead of not interacting with him in my pain - it is then that I acknowledge there are things I need to get through my struggles that has to come from somewhere else. And even in those times it seems like I'm not receiving what I need, there is something that helps. That is what I remind myself in those times I can't see the good.

When we want change we can cling to hope for it when there isn't any to be found. This can prevent us from moving on to a safer place and can cause more pain. When we don't want change but it happens we can miss the blessings (even small ones) that are occurring when we only look at the loss. It's inevitable that change will happen, sometimes when we don't want it. It's also inevitable we will seek change and instead stay stuck in the same situation. I'm currently going through situations that have me on an emotional roller coaster. There is loss, resulting in sadness leading to fear. There are blessings that bring some relief - and yet I'm tempted to fear that the good things won't last. Why do the things I long to change stay difficult with no relief in sight and the things I wish to stay the same crumble like sandcastles pounding by waves? 

My hope is that I'll be able to use my suffering to help others when they go through tough times. I don't know what's coming in the future but I keep trying to look for the good to help get through the rough times. I try to believe God is there doing something good in the midst of it all. Is there anything you've learned that helps you in difficult times? Feel free to share, it may help someone who reads your thoughts.

An Encounter With an Autistic Child

     A couple months ago I walked to a nearby park with my kids. As we approached there was a girl (probably close to my sons age) swinging while her mom watched. My children all ran up to the swings. There weren't enough seats so it was clear that they would have to take turns. My youngest daughter ran off to find something else to play with. My son stuck around the swing set to watch. The girl started talking loudly to my kids and repeating the same thing over and over. Her mom convinced her to swing a couple more minutes and then let one of my kids have a turn. After a few minutes the girl was trying to negotiate for more time on the swings. Eventually she was able to get her girl off the swings and my son started swinging. He had patiently waited and watched the girls contest to see who could go higher. Almost as soon as he got on the girl started telling him his time was over and it was her time again. Her mom intervened and told her that she would need to wait a bit longer for another turn. The girl had fixated on the swings and wasn't happy about this. After a few minutes my son chose to get off and let the girl have her swing back. My youngest had come over and wanted a turn so my oldest sat her on her lap and did some swinging with her.

     During these events the mom apologized to me for her daughter and told me she had autism, which I had already suspected before she mentioned it, since I have friends with autistic children. We talked for awhile about the challenges she had raising her to learn boundaries, consideration and respect for others. The mother isn't able to work because her daughter needs full time care and her husband couldn't handle the situation and left them. Many of us are uncomfortable with people who are different then us, though we don't want to admit it. We label them as difficult because they don't act, speak or respond the way we want them too. In situations like this we see the character of the person interacting with the different person. While conversing with this women about her difficulties I watched my children speak kindly to her and try to include the little girl in other play activities. I was thankful the kids had taken to heart the times I'd instructed them in kindness, compassion and respect. (While we were walking home the kids said to me they knew the girl was different and felt sad about her struggles.)

     The mom thanked me for being understanding and expressed relief that my kids weren't being mean or frustrating to her daughter. Many people have judged and criticized her and her little girl. It is hard enough teaching my three children the lessons I want them to learn; I can't imagine the daily struggle of attempting to teaching a child with impaired cognitive function the same lessons! I have watched friends agonize over situations where they are unsure if they should let the battle go or push a little harder, hoping for even a small amount of growth in an area or situation. It's a delicate balance between responding to your child where he's at and also trying to lead them out of their comfort zone. Over time progress can be made, but sometimes pushing a little bit can lead to meltdowns and the parents second guessing themselves. Life with an autistic child is exhausting both mentally, physically and spiritually! This woman was honest about her struggles. I was sad at the number of times she apologized for her daughter. I'm sad she feels she constantly has to share her daughters autism in order to explain her odd or inappropriate behavior. I sensed her embarrassment, frustration and sadness at how often it interferes with the normal life she wants for her daughter. I was glad that for a short moment of time, both she and her daughter experienced being treated like normal by those around them. The mother said she couldn't remember the last time children and adults just accepted them and treated them the same way they usually do others. I almost cried when she shared that with me. I wish people were more comfortable reaching out to those who struggle with disabilities. Many people think it will be challenging and uncomfortable - and it often is - but It is often a rewarding experience too!

     If you know someone with autism I would encourage you to ask their parents to explain what it's like for them and then ask them how you can help. Most people with autistic kids don't get a break and so they live with a high level of stress, always waiting for the next crisis. Most parents feel alone. Having someone willing to support and encourage them can re-energize them and lessen the stress. If you have any experiences or tips to share, please feel free to post them in the comments.

Books Read in November

Well, I didn't read as much in November. I spent more time organizing items in my house and cross-stitching a design that will go on my wall. I'm nearing the end of that project so spent a lot of time focusing on it! Here are the books I read.

• Loving God When You Don't Love The Church - Chris Jackson
• The Emotionally Destructive Marriage - Leslie Vernick
• Give Them Grace - Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson
• Lit! - Tony Reinke
• Working The Angles: The Shape of Pastoral Integrity - Eugene Peterson

The first book is an excellent book one on learning to heal from church wounds. It starts by accepting and validating that there are many churches out there that harm people. Then it moves to working through the issues and the importance of getting involved in a community again.

The second book is the one I won in the Goodreads drawing. I finished it in 2 days. I wish I'd had this book when my marriage was failing. While it might not have changed the outcome, it would have given me more knowledge to confirm my experiences, more courage to stand up for myself and help me know I'm not alone. I would highly recommend everyone get this book so you know what abusive marriages are like. And if you are in an abusive marriage I would recommend showing it to your church leaders! If I'd had this book I would NOT have accepted advice I knew was wrong just because it came from the church!

The 3rd book is a parenting book on how best to teach your children what true grace is like. Many of us do focus more on good behavior and so we create systems to get the desired results. This book shows that every one of our instructive and corrective conversations is an opportunity to explain to how children how gracious God is to us - an undeserved people. This book has changed the way I have conversations with my children. (And they are already responding better.)

The 4th book is about reading. Why we should read, how to read and what we should read. It has a great section on reading classics and non-Christian books, including movies. He doesn't tell us what is right and wrong, but gives good thoughts on why we should be more inclusive of the material we read. 

The 5th book is about the three areas pastors need to work on to maintain integrity of the gospel and their lives. The first area is prayer. He does a great job of explaining that prayer isn't initiating conversation with God, but continuing the conversation he's started already! The second area is Scripture. Here again he brings up new points that reading of scripture is meant to bring us to listening. Reading isn't the end, but listening and understanding what is being read is important. The third area is spiritual direction and he points out that it actually take two people to accomplish this. The spiritual director needs to know how to appropriately guide the recipient, who of course needs to listen and act. He pointed out that in all these areas pastors often become lax because of their training and the amount of time they have to study. The main goal of his book is to call pastors to rethink their calling and be more focused and intentional in their duties.