Sunday, November 2, 2014

Loss of Dreams and the Passing of Time

Today I couldn't help but reflect on the past. Without meaning to take that trip back in time, I found myself there. It's been 4 years since I gave up on the dream of saving my marriage and fled to the domestic violence shelter. Even then I hadn't completely given up. I believed there was a chance my actions would stir up sorrow and repentance and change. While a lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same. The things I wish to change (the struggle) hasn't relented a bit. If I could, what would I tell that girl that ran to a safe place, hoping that one day she could return to a safe marriage? I am truly at a loss for what I would say. I wouldn't want to let her know of all the heartbreak and turmoil to come. That her faith in God wouldn't help her...and that she would barely have a shred of it left after dealing with losing her marriage, losing many of her friends, losing her church, losing her ability to always protect and provide for the children.

I would feel an obligation to prepare her, but how can you do such a thing? How can you tell her the people who should protect her would turn away? How can you tell her that her prayers and confidence in God would come crashing down around her. At times she'd feel buried under an avalanche of sadness and pressures. Other times she'd feel like she's holding on the side of a cliff watching her grip loosen, feeling gravity pulling her down.

This is what violence does to people. This is what happens when the justice system doesn't provide justice. This is what happens when friends can't be found. People struggle alone. Some people don't make it through the journey. There are many women who have left unsafe environments. A few are doing good. Many still struggle. Some of the ladies I met in the shelter are dead. Some of them are in jail as their efforts to cope led them down dark paths. Many, like me, live well below the poverty level and never know if the money for bills will be there in time. Is that truly freedom? There are many who haven't left. I suspect I would be one of those if I had known how incredibly difficult every day would be. If I had known how wrong things would turn out...I would have given up before even starting. This is why the ladies still trapped by abuse need us to speak up and set things right.

October - Domestic Violence Awareness Month - is over....but the violence hasn't stopped. Somebody right now is being beaten by their spouse for no good reason. I remember the days when it wasn't safe to feel, wasn't safe to cry. I cry for the ladies still trapped. I cry for the likelihood that things won't turn out for them the way they should. Everyone needs to wake up to what is really going on in many homes. A lot of people were talking when the Ray Rice video came out. The discussion was a good thing. Yet it shouldn't stop as people begin to forget and move on to the next media scandal. Women are special and should be treasured. Women have value and don't deserve to be emotionally, physically,  verbally, financially, spiritually and sexually abused. Children shouldn't have to witness abuse, and certainly shouldn't be subjected to it either.

Somedays I wonder, what is God thinking. Does He cry for us? Has He cried for me? Is he angry at all the organizations, people and churches who fail to provide us safety, support and love? What is He doing? How can this be ok? How many women have turned away from God, unable to reconcile the silence with their view of who God is?

If you know someone who is or has been abused, reach out to them. They need to see kindness. They need the love, companionship and hope that you can give. You have a part in saving them from despair. They have had enough harshness to last a lifetime. Show them understanding and gentleness, even if they mess up. They already know their faults, having had their faces rubbed in them day after day. They have many demons clinging to them. Your interaction can help separate them from the ones that haunt their steps.

Does it get easier? I'm not sure yet. I would like to hope so, but I rarely let myself go there. I stay in the day to day - doing the next thing in front of me, trying not to look in the past and trying not to look into the unknown, scary future. Back in the days when I had unwavering faith in God I was confident the end would be ok. It sure sounds like a dream. Some days I can get there again. Other days I'm sure it will end in a nightmare, like many other things have in my life.

4 years....they've gone by fast and they've gone by slow. My children are growing and time with them is slipping away. Progression towards a better life seems stuck going at a snail's pace - if I'm even moving at all! I left because I believed there was something better out there...I believed that I deserved something better. I don't think I've found it yet. Sometimes I don't try. Some days I look around, scanning the horizon to look for it. Because I guess time does bring the capability to dream again. As time separates me farther from the past it is taking me to something. How I would like for it to go somewhere good!